In the latest alien news...

1) Check out Google Satellite maps of the world. So much fun to look at individual buildings all over the world. You can even get a close up of baghdad. Very convenient for those probe-weilding visitors from beyond neptune. 2)

Dear Kansas: Why stop at "Intelligent Design?" What about Spaghetti Monsters? This open letter to the Kansas School Board takes it to task for teaching "Intelligent Design" (Biblical Creationism tarted up in scientific dress) in schools. The author points out that there are several compeeting theories that Kansas could teach its students, including the popular thesis that the universe was created by a "Flying Spaghetti Monster." There are pictures, too.

3) Scientology: Tom Cruise is crazy, we just didn't know how crazy he was:

Adding to all that stress is a series of very heavy theological revelations that begin with OT-III. The central creation story, according to Melton, Bartchy, Kent and the former member, is this: About 75 million years ago, a nefarious intergalactic warlord called Xenu rounded up the inhabitants of numerous planets, killed them, and brought them to Earth, then set off a chain reaction of cataclysmic volcanoes (the volcano pictured on the "Dianetics" cover was Hubbard's favorite symbol for the notion of breakthrough and self-actualization), which dispersed their thetans into the atmosphere. These thetans now fester inside the bodies of all humans. They are to be located in specific body parts and summoned out.

I'm pretty sure I could come up with a better religion than this. Hell, I'd rather worship the flying spaghetti monsters. It also makes me pity those poor people who used to get me to take 'personality tests' outside the scientology building back in Austin. These suspiciously well-dressed young individuals just wanted to check and see if i'm extroverted or introverted. Either that or they wanted to know my thetan count, in order to declare me the XXIth incarnation of Warlord Xenu. I'd prefer not to know either. Although, considering all those online personality tests, couldn't they come up with an online test to check your thetans and see if you're the XXIth incarnation of Warlord Xenu? I'd probably take that if I was bored one day at work. Then there'd be a cute little picture saying "Your personality indicates that you have a heavy concentration of thetans in your right thigh. This means you are extroverted, likely to solve problems with ease, work well in groups of furry creatures, and the MXVth incarnation of Vice-People's Warlord Xanidan. Your self assurance will eventually lead the victory of mankind over the flying spaghetti monsters. May Hubbard be with you." hm...maybe not. 4) And finally, this guy:

A California man facing life in prison for crashing his car into a UPS truck will not dispute that his actions resulted in the death of the driver when his trial opens Monday in Nevada County Superior Court. Instead, Scott Krause's defense will argue that the defendant believed he was trying to escape man-eating subterranean beings when he ran into Drew Reynolds' truck on Jan. 6, 2004.

Proving, once again, that Tom Cruise is the savior of mankind.

Question

Considering the above graphic, as well as the quality of women in this country, I still find it amazing that people live anywhere else.

That's it

Hope you enjoyed the photos. No new photos until next month - i've used all my alotted bandwith at Flickr. Feel free to comment below. Oh, and if you're starting from up here, scroll down about 15 posts and work your way up. It'll make more sense that way.

This bear is soooo cool

IMG_1996
Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

This bear 'protects' the castle of Cesky Krumlov. It's job is to sit there and look cool. This particular bear, on this particular day, climbed up the hill a bit, sat down on it's ample haunches, and, mouth agape, proceeded to stare at a group of japanese tourists looking out the window at it. I just like how both parties in this exchange had the same facial expression.

Flowers

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

Whenever we were in any sort of park my mom started ordering me to take pictures of flowers. 'ooh, get this one' 'take a picture of your dad sitting on that bench! oh, and make sure you get these flowers in the foreground. Wait! wait until the sun comes from behind the clouds so the high bushes don't obscure the lighting!'

i'm not going to post all of those. But I like this one, 'cause of the bee.

I like this photo

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Tricky Fountain

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

While in Salzburg we went to this Archbishop's palace. The formal gardens had a bunch of trick fountains. Entertaining place. 'Schloss Helbrunn' for any who will be in the neighborhood.

Great art

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

Like a sculptor who sees his art within the rough stone, I saw this picture in my head before my mom even saw the dog. There's just something very right about it. Like uptight Victorian woodblock travel-porn. Civilize the barbarians, implement complex tax schemes, Rule Brittania!

Disappointments of blog 'Outsourced'

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

The most-used words on this website are 'obviously', 'basically', and 'funky'. I am no Shakespeare. I'm not even a George Clinton. Shame.

Abduction

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

You can't see it, but my look of terror in this picture is actually saying 'help! aliens have abducted me and taken me to a genocidal maniac's teahouse! I've been encompassed in some sort of warm goo, and a probe can't be far behind! oh wait, i'm actually with my parents on a rather interesting tour of a genocidal maniac's teahouse. I'm cool.'

This is around the time in the sequence when you decide www.collegehumor.com is a much better bastion of human intellectual capacity than www.nickmoles.blogspot.com...

Cross supercedes Hitler's teahouse.

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

'Cause it's higher up. And has an even better view.

Ramparts

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

I can't get enough of this stuff...

Cool photo

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

I really like this photo for some reason. Maybe I just like the look of the angry saint, ready to leap into action, with the gothic ribbing above.

I just kinda like churches. Although the only time I am ever in one for anything respectable is on the unusual sunday morning when i'm not hung over. Like today! I went to a 700 year old chuch and listened to a priest with an incredibly thick brooklyn accent say mass. luckily next weekend I should be back in action, and should avoid church for another month.

Salzburg

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

Salzburg was nice and touristy. There was a really cool beerhall that we went to, though. It had fantastic heffeweizen (wheat beer) made on site. My mom liked it, and kept calling it 'the banana beer', even though it didn't taste like banana, but a very fresh heffeweizen. As a beer fundamentalist I found phrases like 'i want another banana beer' and 'the banana beer is better than beer at home!' offensive. My parents retired early that night. Jana and I drunkenly wandered around salzburg at night, eventually ending up at the castle gates, which were closed. Probably to prevent people like me from pissing on something old and pretty.

Snarkiness is a sin

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

And I am extremely guilty during this run of posts, apparently. If it helps anyone out there, I'm going bald. I feel bad about this for no particular reason, since the only way it impacts me is that I look stupid while rubbing sunscreen into my sparsely-furnished pate. But it's a source of humility that I should properly focus into my postings.

Oh, by the way, the picture is of Salzburg Castle from the Mirabelle gardens. In Austria, of course.

Sidebar

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

This photo has nothing to do with my parents' visit, other than the fact that it was taken while I was showing my parents around. But it's a nice picture. I can go there right now, if I want. Easily. I could go there right now and admire it, enjoying its art-neuveau beauty. Much better than looking at old gas station signs on the wall of Applebees while eating a fried onion. Be jealous.

Hitler's Teahouse

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

Oh yeah, Hitler wasted a lot of money building a teahouse on top of a mountain. What an ass. But nice views.

My Parents aren't aliens, sorry

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

The visit of the parents was very exciting. They seemed to want to spend most of their time either looking at flowers or sleeping, which clashed with my idea of showing them every single artistic flourish on every decaying building in the region. eventually we came to agreement: I would pretend I knew about old buildings and stuff, and they would pretend to listen. And they would feed me. Good agreement from my end - license to enjoy the sound of my own bullshit monologue and enjoy brazilian meats on a skewer.

Oh, and this picture of all of us smiling? It was taken at Hitler's teahouse.

Parents Abroad

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

Above you can see the two aliens that spawned the little labor-market traitor who operates the website. They are not to be trusted

Craziness at the internet pub

I suppose I've mentioned the internet pub befrore. It's actually a quasi-coffeeshop, with funky music and old maps on the wall. The only difference is that no one ever drinks coffee here, since a half liter of Budweiser is 60 cents. Obviously this pub's clientele has impressive cognitive skills. Anyway, I got here about half and hour ago, and some funky looking people were arguing with the barman. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but they seemed pretty pissed. There was one older guy, one crazy-looking fat woman, one muscley guy who looked dumb, and some sort of short, fat blonde czech. Not the most impressive group I've seen since I got to the Czech Republic. They seemed to be haggling over money or something. I quietly opened up my computer and started surfing. Then the two guys starting making like they were going to attack the barman. Now this barman is particularly cool, having allowed me to chill and surf the internet (for free) many, many times while drinking very few cups of tea. Both guys had to be held back by their fat women. But, since they didn't remove their shirts, I suppose they had no real intention of attacking. Finally everyone left except the crazy woman, who was still yelling like trailer trash on daytime tv. The barman was trying to ignore her, but she grabbed the front of his shirt and starting screaming bloody hell. A guy from outside came and started yelling at the woman. I also got up (being the only other patron in the pub, I didn't have much choice) and walked over to the woman. The barman had made no move, other than to hold his hands up to show he wasn't going to touch her. I politely asked the woman to let him go and leave. She yelled a bit more, but eventually realized she was surrounded by three large men and walked out. The barman came and took my order (black tea), and i politely asked if he spoke english (by 'politely' I used the Czech formal 'you' verb conjugation for 'to speak'). He said yes, and explained to me that the crazy people had asked if they could play some guitar music in his pub. He said yes, but they could only play two songs. They were terrible, he told me, and wouldn't stop playing their extremely loud ghetto-karaoke. He asked them to leave, and they then began to verbally assail him. One of the guys was a little dark, probably half-gypsy. They claimed he was kicking them out because he was a racist. He replied that they were being loud and driving off customers, and could stay if they stopped playing music in his pub. This was not enough to satiate the cro-magnons, and they went batshit insane. Shit, I replied, that's crazy. We could both still hear the loud guy yelling in the park across the way. He then came across and starting yelling at the pub again. His girlfriend was trying to hold him back, but he was either drunk or incredibly stupid. He pushed her to the ground and rushed back into the pub. A few guys from outside came back in to make sure he didn't do anything, and the grazy guy's girlfriend came back for the idiot. A few minutes later a cop came by, spoke with the barman, and walked out to the park, probably to look for the proto-humans. What did I learn from this? The cool barman speaks english, for one, so I don't always have to order in czech. Also he's not a racist- i've seen him serve african-americans (and gypsies) at this same pub before. Mostly I was surprised by his restraint when the crazies were assailing him. Anyway I like this place - barman's cool, beer is cheap/good, and the internet is free. God bless the internet publ

Complaints

My girlfriend is currently laying on the beach in Florida. I am currently taking antibiotics that prohibit me from drinking alcohol or laying in the sun. My plans for most weekends are to drink alcohol with my gf while laying in the sun. Therefore i am screwed. So today's plans consist of washing clothes and learning czech verb conjugations. luckily i'm about to eat a chicken caesar wrap, which will make it all better anyway above will be some pictures of the trip i took to austria. enjoy.

Outsourced

I call my blog 'Outsourced' as a joke, as I remember being quite amused (mostly while inebriated) by the idea of 'outsourcing' myself to Eastern Europe. American firms could outsource jobs here, hire americans, and the Czech economy would benefit by selling mass quantities of beer, spurring an economic boom that could only be called 'frothy'. Please excuse that. But I just discovered that a colleague at my office has an even more amazing story. He was working for my company in Germany, doing the same thing I do here. He was fired, as the company is moving positions to Eastern Europe for the cost savings. He was then recruited to come here and work in the SAME POSITION. He has actually been Outsourced. My co-workers are less impressed with this than I. My excitement, I suppose, is just discovering the truly outsourced man. Akin to finding the small irish man who dresses in green and sends you in search of treasure, or maybe even the floating emaciated hindu guru whose levitation cannot be ascribed to leaf-and-twig nutrition and a frisky monsoon.

lil' fatties

Chen Chaogang, a univer sity doctor in Guangdong province, said the weight increase was a consequence of China's dramatic economic development and opening up to foreign business. As well as the adoption of a fast-food culture - McDonald's and KFC outlets have become ubiquitous in many cities -a rising middle class is doing less physical exercise, driving more, and spending more time motionless in front of televisions, computers and video games. It is a dramatic change for a country where tens of millions of people starved to death in famines during the 1950s and 60s. Partly for this reason, plumpness has long been seen as a sign of health and wealth. In many parts of the country during the summer, men roll up their shirts to expose their bulging jiangjun du (general's bellies).

I'm not sure what to say here. But I like the idea of rolling up my shirt, slapping my belly, and commanding someone to get me a beer, because the general's thirsty.

I feel awful

I went to a beer festival yesterday. I celebrated beer. I woke up this morning and felt like regurgitated chinese food. I then went back to sleep, and woke up at three o'clock. At which time I had to move my gf's bed to her new apartment. We carried the damn thing down 6 floors and 2 blocks. I felt like i had an angry little monkey in my belly who was trying his damndest to get the hell out. But he failed, the bed was moved, and i passed out on it. Then i ate a sandwich and watched stupid tv shows and tried to feel better. the lesson in all of this? next time there is a beer festival i should make sure i don't have to do anything on sunday. and if I do, i should make sure i drink enough to necessitate hospitilization. or at least more pity than i received today.

In the 'holy crap i can't believe that just happened' category...

Right outside my window is a large construction area. It's cordoned off with a 10-foot high metal fence. Basically I can see what's happening down there, as can other people in my building, while people outside the fence have no idea. It's often a source of amusment. Trucks that can't turn around tight enough and end up getting stuck in a mud puddle are common. Guys drinking beer in the middle of the day, then taking a leak right behind their management trailer. But I saw something much, much more bizzare today. I was quite bored and staring out the window on a nasty looking friday afternoon when a 60-year old woman walked into the construction area. She then hiked up her old-woman dress, pulled down the parachute-sized underwear that was hidden up there, squatted, and took a leak. In full public view. I was speechless. In fact, at the time, I was attempting to dial into a teleconference. I was unable to do so. Instead I pointed and made noises, which attracted a large number of my equally-bored colleagues. We pointed and stared, and waved and tried to get her attention. She finished, pulled everything back together (which coincided with groans and grimaces amongst the peanut gallery) and hobbled off. So what did I learn about this? Grannies have giant panties. No, really. But mostly I learned that you can easily waste an hour after seeing something like that gesticulating wildly and cracking jokes with the people sitting around you. It's the gift that keeps on giving. OH, and check this out.

Bumpkins and welfare reform

I have some hilbilly relatives. I guess everyone does, sort of. The relatives that come from some obscure part of your family, that are related to you somehow but you're not exactly sure. And you have no real interest in finding out. Anyway I remember a few years ago my Dad visited these afore-mentioned hillfolk, and told me a little bit about their trip. Besides the fact that they have outhouses (outhouses! in the 21st century!) they were all on disability. I asked my dad what disability they actually had, and he was a bit vague. After a while I figured out that they weren't disabled, they just had an interest in collecting a check. This is one of the many reasons why I support welfare reform. I also support hunting down people that abuse the system too much. Like this guy. He claimed to be virtually unable to walk, while instead he spent his time wrestling alligators. I like this quote:

Other papers found at the home also suggested his injuries were not as serious as he claimed, prosecutor Theresa Loftus said. "A large amount of documentation was found -- a series of certificates showing this defendant's progress from a white belt to a black belt in the sport of ju jitsu," she said.

That's fantastic.

This is Totally Crazy

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Originally uploaded by nickmoles.

"1996. Larger than life: In preparation for his "History" tour, a 10-meter-high statue of Michael Jackson was erected in Prague, where a monument to Joseph Stalin once stood."
http://www.slate.com/id/2120845/

Wow. Wow. I didn't know about this at all. I do remember the crazy commercials that they played at movie theaters when i was 15, though. Ben: would a giant statue of Jacko be better than the Metronome?

Unsolicited Wisdom

I don't trust people wearing fanny-packs. Caveat: If you're over 50, it's okay. The problem is that i saw some guy wearing super-eurotrashy clothes, silver korean mobile, beckham hair, and a fanny pack. Obviously this guy is plugged into some cultural zeitgeist, yet something managed to go horribly, horribly wrong. The fanny pack is the euro-equivalent of the souped-up escalade - sure sign of criminal activity. the pack conveniently holds drugs, small arms, and is probably quite effective in human trafficking. Although i personally don't trust it because it's a quick and easy place for pickpocketed items to disappear. Especially when it's attached to the guy at the tramstop that looks like he's having withdrawl, and has nowhere to go. But mostly it's incredibly stupid.

Going Bald

At some point in the last week Jana and I sat across from each other. At dinner, on the metro, in an S&M pleasure dungeon, I don't remember. But I had my head down a bit, and Jana reached across and made a circle around my bald spot. She leaned back and giggled. What the fuck? I was understandably upset. Actually I was mad but I couldn't say anything because I knew it would have been supid and made me look more like a retard than I already do. I'm going bald. That's a fact, my hair is leaving the earth for the next transcendant plain, and only a few follicles are left behind to battle against the evil hoardes of back hair that are slowly colonizing my body. Just like the Roman fucking Empire. Please excuse my language. Why am I sensitive about the subject? Probably because I can do nothing about it. I know that if I cared too much about my budding beer belly (this is different than my old fat belly - it's now mostly beer) I could stop and work out and get into shape. I know it can make myself more educated and marketable. I can even make myself more attractive by ironing my clothes and avoiding any conversation that might involve politics or my unhealthy romanic infatuation with the aforementioned Czech beer. But with hair I can do nothing. Well I could take propecia like I used to, but that destroyed my libido. And truthfully, without libido the world turns kinda gray and middle-aged. No, my genetic heritage (thanks, mom) has forced me to accept the inevitability of my loss. I wake up every morning, run my hand over my fuzzy head, and remember that every day with my boys up top is a blessing. Soon I will have to cope with topside sunburns, with cheesy free baseball caps, and maybe even with the comb-over. But not today. Not just yet.

Let me in!

Weird. I just spent the day hanging around with my parents, looking at churches and castle and royal gardens. And beer, of course. We went back to my apartment and someone had changed the locks. So we couldn't get in. So I stood there until some dude walked down and let us in. His name is Robert. He was some dutch/german something or other. He was like 'hey man this is crazy!'. i seconded his opinion. we agreed that we should press each other's buzzers so we can open the door. I need to make that agreement with some old czech person who never leaves the building. but language might be a barrier. oh, and my roommate called the landlord's friend (btw my landlord lives in India. where there are no doors) and she said she had the keys. we're going to meet her tomorrow. but what the hell, when was she going to give us the keys? or maybe call us and aleart us to the problem? there is a definite logic gap somewhere in this story, and i think i know where it is.