New Years Resolutions

I recently reflected upon the opportunities of improvement for myself during this fresh year of 2006. Shall I promise myself longer showers? Better footwear? Improved cognitive abilities? A total refurbishment of my dietary habits that could potentially lead to a more pleasant fragrance emitted from this body I call home? No, probably not. but I came up with a few: 1) Better diet. 2005 saw me wallowing in my own impending czechdom - glorious and repeated meals of schnitzel and potatoes, multiple beers, copious servings of sleep that led to a pink, round, and slothful nickmoles. No longer! I have pledged fealty to the ultimate american failure: The Diet. No more breaded and fried - only raw and tasteless for me. I haven't had schnitzel in weeks. The all-night pizza joint one block from my front door has only been visited a handful of times. The other day I arrived home late from work, ravenous and salivating. Yet I managed self-control in front of my meager food supply - I ended up eating a can of corn. And I even chewed it, as opposed to inhilation. This, my friends, is definitely an improvement. I know that my battle against my beer belly will end in glorious failure - but it will be grand and valiant and, most of all, documented online. For the internet is the epitaph of all faded glory and celebrity avoided. stay tuned. 2) Exercise - At least 4 times a week. And not just muscling up - real improvements in endurance and health. After two weeks of running I've already ended up with shin-splints. So we'll see how that goes. 3) More efficient internet-surfing - No more flipping through sites 5 times a day in a vain search for a new article posted during the last long, boring bout of working. More efficiency! Check my favorite 40 sites only 2-3 times a day! And, since football season is over, this will be easy enough. By August I'll have forgotten these resolutions anyway, so I won't feel bad when I read 10 articles a day about the 2006 National Champion Texas Longhorns. And I'll delete this post so no one can go back and cite it... 4) No more tearing corners off of my papers, then rolling them around underneath my fingernails. Those of you who have seen me in person (meaing all 3 of you who read this website) know exactly what i'm talking about. 5) I will resolve my stomach problem - I have an on again/off again relationship with my stomach. Bach in Summer 04 I was diagnosed with H. Pylori, a nasty little bug that causes ulcers. Since then I've had 3 antibiotic treatments that have almost fixed me all up. But some symptoms persist, most of which are unpleasant to discuss. My doctor is a bit zonked out - he must be self-medicating a bit. So i resolve to stop being lazy and actually find a new doctor and get this taken care of. there. i said it. 6) I resolve to not have too many resolutions - because this is enough. some people seem to put together a list of 25 things to turn themselves into a shoe-in to become the right hand of Christ when they depart this nasty, sinful world. I simply resolve to make myself easier on the eyes of those who have the privilage of sharing a beer with me. And so we will see how successful this little experiment is.