Signs of the Apocalypse

Upon arrival at work, I tend to scan a few websites for the day's headlines. I went over to washingtonpost.com and found this gem:

Bartender, Pour Me Another Cup Perhaps Inevitably: Caffeinated Beer

My first thought: End of civilization, coming of cokeihol-swilling Antichrist, etc... I like how that's mentioned within the 2nd paragraph of the story.

Obviously, this is a monumental cultural milestone and it raises important questions that we as a society must answer. For instance: Is adding America's favorite stimulant to America's favorite alcoholic beverage the greatest scientific breakthrough of the 21st century? Or the beginning of the end of civilization as we know it? Or what?

The thing that annoys me about this garbage is that it's all marketing based. It's like the people at Pizza Hut who keep trying to make innovative pizzas. "No thank you, I don't need the pizza box to be edible, nor filled with extra cheese."

The beer is called B{+E} -- with the E raised up, like an exponent in math, which is why the name is pronounced "B to the E." (The B stands for Budweiser. The E stands for extra.) Sold in 10-ounce cans, B{+E} contains 54 milligrams of caffeine -- about half the dose found in an average cup of coffee. B{+E} also contains ginseng, the fabled herb, and guarana, an Amazonian berry frequently found in Brazilian soft drinks. "It's beer with something extra," says Dawn Roepke, Anheuser-Busch's brand manager for new products. "It's new, it's innovative, it's different."

As with Michelob Ultra, anyone purchasing 'B to the E' should be immediately flogged. A further question is taste. I like heavy lagers, or more appropriately, I like to drink Beer that tastes like Beer. Of course others don't agree with me.

"It has an aroma of blackberry and a little bit of cherry, which is unexpected," says Nathaniel Davis, the brew master who created B{+E}. "It has typical beer flavors, like hops and malt, and it finishes with what we're calling the wow factor." What's the wow factor? "That bright, slightly sweet tart finish," he says. "People who drink it, their eyes light up and they say 'Wow!,' among other things."

Having a brewmaster speaking about things like the 'wow factor'. Heresy. Burnings and impalings should ensue. Beer is sacred, and I suppose I am a fundamentalist. I wonder if this so called 'brewmaster' has ever been to the beer Vatican in Pilsen? If he's tasted the golden brew that's fresher than a mountain stream, with a thick brown head that has the earthy smell of a farmer's field on an autumn evening? Is there no time to remember the past?

Roepke says she's not worried about this. "We at Anheuser-Busch encourage our adult consumers to use all our products in moderation," she says. "We market B{+E} to today's contemporary adults, and they've told us that they want something to help them keep up with their fast-paced and highly social lifestyle. If they stay out late having fun with their friends and do it responsibly, we'll be very happy."

And so it is. Check out the article, which I would nominate for a Pulitzer prize. Is Bob Woodward involved anywhere? This is scandalous, and is surely a sign that Satan will soon unleash hell on earth. For this I blame yuppies that won't take the time to appreciate a good beer. Bastards.